So, you want to build your confidence?
How do you do it?
And is it even possible?
About 10 years ago, when I was just starting college, I would have said, “there is no secret. You either have it or you don’t.”
And I would have been WRONG.
You see, back then, I had almost zero confidence.
But today I’m thinking about getting “unstoppable” tattooed on my forehead.
How did I develop my confidence?
The answer might surprise you…
Why Confidence Matters – in Business and in Life
But first, let’s be clear WHY being confident matters:
Whatever you want to do or achieve in life, success comes from taking ACTION. Or to quote myself…
Those who do nothing, achieve nothing. – Derek Halpern
…and I bet you’ll agree.
If you want to go on a date with someone, you have to ask them out.
If you want to get a raise, you have to ask for a promotion.
If you want to build your network, you have to be more social.
And if you want to build an audience, you have to step onto the stage.
Without action, no success.
Now here’s the thing…
The hard part isn’t knowing WHAT to do. The hard part is actually doing it. And that’s where confidence makes all the difference.
Because when you lack of confidence, you don’t take action…
You want to speak up in a large group. But you stay silent because you’re afraid to get shut down.
You want to meet new people. But you’re too shy to start a conversation. Or you’re just worried that people will think you’re weird.
And it’s a shame. Most people don’t do the things they want to do. Not because they don’t know how. Not because they’re not smart enough… but because they lack the confidence.
It’s time to change that. And I have good news:
With just a few simple hacks, you can build your confidence every day and reach level “unstoppable” too.
Confidence Leads to Action, Action Leads to Success
Confidence is like the granddaddy of all self-development…
When you’re confident you stop feeling self-conscious about your quirks.
When you’re confident you stop worrying about what everyone else thinks and stop second-guessing your decisions.
When you’re confident you can face your big fears. Whether it’s something specific like becoming better at public speaking…
…Or simply going ALL IN and following your dreams.
In short, confidence is the difference between thinking about doing something… and actually doing it. And that’s why it’s so important for success – in all areas of life.
Especially when it comes to business and selling. And even more so if you sell services, coaching, or online courses. And there’s science to back this up, too.
In particular, one study by Don Moore of Carnegie Mellon University shows that people are more likely “buy advice” from a more confident seller. The crazy part? It didn’t even matter if that seller had been wrong in the past.
So, if you want people to listen to you, take your advice, and ultimately buy from you, being confident is crucial.
But isn’t that just being a fake?
No…
Of course you shouldn’t pretend to know things you don’t know. You see, there’s a big difference between being confident and being an arrogant jerk…
What Does it Really Mean to Be Confident?
So what is self-confidence?
Some psychologist make a distinction between self-esteem and self-confidence. But for our practical purpose here, it’s not important. So I’ll just talk about self-confidence.
Being confident means two things:
- You believe that you deserve to succeed
- You trust in your abilities to succeed
When you have both of those things, you can act with confidence.
As you can see from the definition, confidence arises from INTERNAL sources – your thoughts and beliefs – as well as EXTERNAL sources – your abilities and skills.
Thoughts + Skills = Confidence (= Success)
And I’ll address both parts of that equation below.
But first, let me point out the difference between confidence and arrogance. Because that’s where a lot of people get stuck…
And here it is:
Arrogant people brag about skills they don’t have, to get confirmation from others, because they lack belief in themselves.
Whereas…
Confident people let their actions speak for themselves, because they have the mindset and skills to succeed.
As you can see, being confident is not about bragging. It’s not what you say at all. It’s about how you see yourself and how you carry yourself. And then, as a result, how you’re being perceived by others.
This is the FIRST thing you should remember, if you want to be more confident. And then you can stop humble-bragging, too…
…which is a terrible habit. For TWO reasons:
First, you’re still bragging.
Second, why are you trying to be so “humble” in the first place?
Just look at the definition of the word “humble:” It means having a “low estimate of one’s own importance.”
The sad thing is, I used to see myself that way. But it’s straight up destructive. No one should think of themselves as “of low importance.”
Alright, with all that said, let’s focus on developing real confidence…
The Secret to Becoming More Confident
How did I build my confidence?
The real answer:
I faked it.
That’s right. At first, I pretended to be confident. But I didn’t really FEEL confident yet. I just ACTED the way a confident person would act…
And what happened? Over time, I started to feel more confident, too. And before I knew it I became the confident person I always wanted to be.
And that’s the secret…
I call it the A-B-C Method of building confidence:
First you just ACT confident.
Then you BELIEVE you can be confident.
Finally, you just are… CONFIDENT.
It worked for me. And there’s science to prove that it will work for you. For example…
When you force a smile with a pencil in your mouth you actually FEEL happier. Why? Because your body tells your brain you’re smiling.
Or as Amy Cuddy revealed in her awesome Ted Talk: Simply standing in “power poses” can lead to changes in hormone levels and make you feel more powerful.
(Note: Below you can see the power poses and other body-language hacks for more confidence.)
The point here is:
Just by going through the motions, you can change how you feel.
Now…
You probably have TWO questions:
#1 How do you know how a confident person acts?
#2 What if you don’t have the confidence to fake it?
And I’ll answer both questions.
First, I’m going to show you the mindset of a confident person. Why? Because that’s how you’ll get yourself over that first hump.
Second, I’ll share 13 ways to build your confidence every day. Until you are the confident person you’ve always wanted to be.
The Confident Mindset
I remember the first time I joined a gym. I was 19 and I was standing on the scale like the hunchback of notre dame!
So, the trainer who showed me around, told me to pay attention to my posture and make sure I stood up straight.
Why do I remember this exact moment? I remember it because then he added something else…
He said:
“There’s nothing wrong with putting your chest out. It’s the proper way to stand.”
And it stuck with me to this day.
So remember, being confident is the NATURAL way to be.
And that’s GREAT news because it means…
Everyone is born with unstoppable confidence. It’s not a just a “gift” that some people have. It’s a skill anyone can practice and (re-)learn. And for that, I’ve included 13 insanely-practical ways you can build your confidence below.
But let’s be clear about something else:
Most ADULTS struggle with confidence.
So while confidence is natural, as we grow up, almost everyone loses it. At least to some degree. It’s hard to get reliable stats on this, but I’ve seen numbers as high as 80% of adults.
And it wouldn’t surprise me if that’s accurate. The point is, the overwhelming majority of adults don’t feel as confident as they would like. So, if you’re feeling insecure, you are not alone.
Finally, there’s one more part to a confident mindset…
It’s a-ok to look like a fool sometimes.
Look, I know about myself that I’m 99% useless, but…
…that 1% when I’m not, I’m dangerous.
Aiming for perfection is the ultimate confidence killer, because if you aim for perfection, you’ll always fall short.
Yes, you can aim for excellence, but you should accept this now:
You’ll have lots of bad ideas, say many dumb things, and regularly make a fool of yourself.
Like that one time when I was driving and I stopped behind a car, because I thought traffic was backed up. Turns out, it was just a row of parked cars. LOL.
The old insecure me would have been ashamed. The new confident me thinks it’s hilarious. Because…
Confident people aren’t right all the time. The difference is, they’re not afraid to be wrong.
And that’s why today, I don’t take myself too seriously:
And even though I love my $300 haircut, I’m not afraid to look silly sometimes.
It’s counterintuitive. But it’s an amazing insight:
If you want to be more confident, start by not taking yourself too seriously.
So now, let’s get into all of my favorite ways to build confidence…
13 Amazing Ways to Boost Your Confidence
Some of these tips will give you an instant boost of confidence. Some are small practices you can do every day to build confidence over time. Some are little hacks and tools that automatically put you in a confident mindstate.
All of the techniques come from my personal experience of going from confidence level 0… to 100. Most of the techniques are backed by science, too.
You can – but you don’t have to – use them all at once. Some will work better for you than others. I do suggest you give them all a try, though. Because…
Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy. – Dale Carnegie
As I explained above, confidence both breeds and stems from taking action. Which is great news. Because when you take action once, you’ll set in motion a cycle of positive reinforcement.
Now, the first time you do anything, is usually the hardest. That’s why I’ve got one more useful tip for you:
Practice when there’s nothing at stake.
I’ll explain…
As an example, every time I would walk up to a cashier or server, I would take that opportunity to pretend to be confident. I knew they were paid to be nice to me, so I thought, “Why not practice on them?”
I’d walk up and say, “Hey, how are you?”, begin to make small talk, and speak like I was the most confident person on earth.
So what did I say exactly?
Check out this first technique…
Confidence Booster #1: “It’s not free today?”
In the short video, in addition to sharing my personal journey with confidence, I share a word-for-word script that you can use start using to develop your confidence TODAY.
Do you have a friend (or colleague) that’s struggling with their confidence?
Use this link and send them this video.
Use this script the next time you’re checking out at a store or your favorite coffee shop. With a big smile on your face, just say:
“Wait, it’s not free today?”
You’ll laugh. They’ll laugh. And everyone will have a good time. That positive feedback will put you one step closer to be confident in social situations.
Confidence Booster #2: The Eye-Color Test
Whether it’s a job interview, a date, or a conversation with a friend, people who make proper eye contact appear more confident.
(Not only that; Research shows that when you look people in the eyes, you also appear more likeable and trustworthy.)
But there’s a fine line between making good eye contact and, well, a creepy stare. And that’s why I like the Eye-Color Test.
Here’s how it works:
The next time you interact with someone face-to-face – whether it’s a stranger or a friend – look at their eyes just long enough to notice the color of their eyes.
Simple, right? You can do it throughout a conversation, too.
Just remember to regularly break eye contact. And when you do look away, look to the side, NOT down. Looking down communicates low confidence.
Confidence Booster #3: Proper Posture
Studies have shown that body language is 60% of communication. At a minimum. And posture is the first thing people notice when you walk into a room. So fixing it can give your confidence – and your perceived confidence – a huge boost.
Luckily, I stumbled on a simple trick to drastically improve your posture…
I noticed one of my friends has great posture. So one day I just had to tell her, “You walk so straight, it’s amazing!”
She laughed and said, “Yeah, I always hold in my stomach.”
Lol.
The funny thing is, it works. Just tighten your stomach muscles. You’ll notice your posture improve instantly.
Start by doing it every time you walk from one place to the other. Then you can start doing it while seated, too.
Bonus tip for better posture:
When you’re walking, don’t look at the ground right in front of you. Instead, look straight ahead, further into the distance. This way you’ll automatically keep your chin up – and look and feel more confident.
Confidence Booster #4: The Power Pose
Speaking of posture…
Let me show you Amy Cuddy’s Power Poses that I mentioned above.
Cuddy’s research suggests that standing in one of these poses for just 2 minutes will give you a boost of confidence.
So let’s say you’re about to have a job interview. Take a moment before you go in and stand in a power pose. Your body will tell your brain to feel more confident.
(Side note: Cuddy’s research has recently gotten some critique. I suggest you try it and see if it works for you.)
And of course, you can also use the poses simply to appear more confident to others. Remember, when it comes to confidence, “fake it ‘til you make it” is actually a good strategy.
Also, don’t worry too much about the exact pose…
All you need to remember is that “open, expansive” postures (taking up more space) express power and confidence. Whereas “closed, contractive” postures (taking up less space) express powerlessness and low confidence.
So…
Stop being excessively modest and humble – don’t apologize for taking up space!
Confidence Booster #5: Listen to Some Music
Funny story…
A friend of mine used to go skiing a lot as a kid. And he wanted to be a ski racer. So, he always tried to go as fast as possible. What did he do?
Apparently while he was skiing, in his head he would sing along to the most badass song he knew…
Listening to the song made him feel more confident.
There’s interesting research about this, too:
Researchers from Northwestern University’s Kellogg School of Management found that people who listen to “high-power” music are more proactive.
In the study people were asked to go first or second in a debate. And in fact, after listening to high-power music, people were almost twice as likely to be proactive and go first.
So, it’s not a coincidence athletes listen to music right before they compete.
If you need an instant boost of confidence, listen to music that gets you fired up.
The high-power songs that were used in the study are:
And here’s a great high-power playlist on Spotify.
Now, I am personally a sucker for cheesy pop music; don’t judge. But whatever your taste, playing a high-energy, motivating song will give your confidence an instant boost.
Confidence Booster #6: Look Your Best
They say, “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.”
Is it true? Does the way you dress make a difference in how confident you feel? New research suggest…
Absolutely.
Clothes change how we feel, as well as the impression we make on others. And specifically, wearing nicer clothes can make you more confident.
But what can you do exactly? The research suggests that dressing more FORMAL is the key:
So, instead of a t-shirt and jeans, wear a suit.
(What’s crazy is that the research suggest this can actually increase your abstract thinking ability, too.)
Now maybe wearing a suit is wayyy over the top for your job. Or maybe you’re just uncomfortable wearing extra formal clothes…
Well, there’s another simple hack:
Wear black.
A recent survey revealed that black is the color of confidence. This might be the simplest way to give your confidence a boost. Try it!
But looking and feeling confident is not just about clothes…
First thing in the morning, I always jump straight in the shower. Why? Because when I feel fresh and clean, I also feel confident.
And whenever I get a haircut, I stick my chest out a little further even – I know, it’s hard to believe… But seriously…
Do whatever makes you feel good about yourself:
Get a haircut. Take a shower. Shave. Put on some cologne. Get a manicure.
These small things can really make a difference in how confident you feel. I’m sure you’ve experienced it. So this is just a reminder to take care of yourself. Cool?
Moving on…
Confidence Booster #7: The No-Effort Conversation Starter
Confident people make small talk seem so effortless, right?
Right.
Believe me, I used to struggle with this. I was afraid to talk to anybody. Especially strangers. How do you even get a conversation started? And I mean WITHOUT being weird and creepy.
Well, I’ve got a couple of ways to practice making small talk like an uber-confident person for you.
And this first one is what I call the “No-Effort Conversation Starter.” Because you don’t even have to start the conversation when you do this…
Look, here’s me on my way to the coffee shop with a t-shirt saying, “Patience: Level Zero:”
Now what do you think happens?
PEOPLE START TALKING TO ME.
I don’t have to do anything at all.
This is a GREAT way to practice small talk and being more confident in social situations with strangers.
Your No-Effort Conversation Starter could be a t-shirt, sparkly shoes, a laptop cover, a piece of jewelry, or WHATEVER.
At first you’ll feel a little weird. But this technique will get you from “faking” confidence to BEING confident quickly.
Confidence Booster #8: Accept Compliments
Whenever you get a compliment it’s a great opportunity to practice being confident. I’ll explain…
Everybody likes to get compliments. However, back in my low-confidence days I had no clue how to gracefully accept a compliment.
Here’s what I used to do:
I’d either ignore it and move on with the conversation – rude! – or I’d downplay it. I’d say, “Oh it’s no big deal” or give the other person an even bigger compliment right away.
Why does this show a lack of confidence?
Because when you ignore or downplay a compliment, what you’re communicating is: “I didn’t deserve the compliment.” But that’s NOT how a confident person thinks or acts. So today, I handle compliments in a different way.
And it’s very simple:
I just say, “Thank you!”
I acknowledge the compliment. I accept it. And I show my gratitude.
And that’s what I want you to do: The next time you get a compliment, just say, “Thank you, I appreciate it!”
Assume the person giving you the compliment actually means it. So you can believe it, too. There’s no need to be humble. It’s a great time to practice acting and feeling confident.
Confidence Booster #9: Give Compliments… to Strangers
What goes around comes around – so now that you know how to accept compliments confidently, let’s talk about giving compliments.
Why is giving compliments a sign of confidence? Because when you’re confident, you don’t constantly feel threatened by other people. That’s why confident people are not afraid to give others compliments, too.
But there’s one thing they never do…
They don’t give insincere compliments. So, when you give someone a compliment always be genuine.
Now here’s the BEST way to build confidence by giving compliments:
Give compliments to strangers.
See someone with cool shoes? Tell them, “Hey, cool shoes!” Or if you see someone who’s working extra hard, tell them “I like your dedication!”
Just try it once – you’ll probably make the person’s day. So next time you’re walking down the street or waiting in line, give people genuine compliments. Just look for one thing you like about them and say, “Hey, I like your…”
To make this work, don’t think more than 3 seconds about what you’re going to say. The goal is to get out of your head. Just say the first thing that comes to your mind.
It’s very low-risk. So it’s a great way to practice being confident in social situations.
Confidence Booster #10: “What Would … Do?”
When I get in a confidence-slump, here’s what I do:
I ask myself, “What would the most confident person in the world do right now?”
But actually, you should pick someone specific. It could be a public figure, a friend, or an acquaintance with UNSTOPPABLE confidence. And then, “channel” that feeling. What I mean is: Just pretend to be them for a moment!
For example:
What would Sheryl Sandberg say in this situation? How would Muhammad Ali walk down the street right now? How would Mark Cuban react? Would Marie Forleo think like this?
I know – this technique sounds like woo-woo. But you don’t have to analyze every little thing this person does to copy their confidence. Next time you walk into a room, or you’re just walking down the street, just pretend what it would feel like to be that person.
Try it.
Confidence Booster #11: Prepare and Get Better
Remember, a crucial part of being confident is the belief that you have the SKILLS to succeed. And it’s a lot easier to believe it, if it’s true.
In other words:
Competence breeds confidence.
And that’s why working at getting better at what you do – by practicing! – will take your confidence to the next level.
For example, let’s say you’re giving a speech and you feel insecure about public speaking. What’s the best way to feel more confident?
Simple:
Prepare and practice your speech.
Same goes for an important meeting. A job interview. A date. A networking event.
When you show up prepared, you’ll feel and act more confident.
But there’s another advantage of working on your competence…
Confidence Booster #12: Learn a Life Skill
I am a TERRIBLE swimmer. As in, I used to barely stay above water…
I liked jumping into a pool. But until a few weeks ago, there was always this sense that I COULD drown.
But then something changed. I finally learned how to float in water. I’m still not a good swimmer. But at least now I know hot to not drown! And I feel much more confident in water.
Makes sense, right? Competence breeds confidence. But there’s a more general lesson here.
When you learn a new “life skill” it’s not just about that particular skill. You also prove to yourself that you’re capable of learning ANYTHING. Which makes you a more competent – and more confident – person overall.
“Everything is figure-out-able.” – Marie Forleo
For example, you could…
- Do your taxes by yourself.
- Learn how to replace a tire.
- Volunteer for an after-school program.
Or learn how to not drown, like me. Whatever it may be, when you learn a small life skill, watch your overall confidence level go up.
What’s a life skill you could learn?
Confidence Booster #13: Get to Know Yourself
Finally…
To be confident in yourself, you need to know yourself.
I realize that “knowing yourself” is easier said than done. What I do know is that it’s as much about “what you ARE like” as it is about “what you like.” I’ll explain…
A buddy of mine has a weird hobby. He likes to bake bread. I say it’s weird because it’s uncommon. I actually think it’s awesome! And the bread is delicious.
The point is: He FULLY embraces his interest in baking bread. And when he talks about it he exudes confidence.
But embracing your interests and knowing “what you like” is just one part of knowing yourself. It’s also about having clear principles – and sticking to them. So it’s also about what you ARE like.
One principle I try to stick to is this: I don’t sugarcoat my opinion. I always say what I mean, and I mean what I say.
Of course, this part of self-confidence doesn’t develop overnight. It’s made up of your whole life experience. And it might change over time.
What I suggest you do is this:
Write it down.
Write down your principles. And answer the question, “What are the rules I want to live by?”
Just remember, you’re not doing it to fit into anyone else’s expectations. These are YOUR rules.
When you fully embrace your interests and have a strong sense of the rules you want to live by, you can finally act with 100% confidence – in everything you do.
Now…
I’ve got some homework for you…
Use these simple ways to build your confidence. Even if you have to fake it in the beginning, like I had to…
You’ll notice quickly:
When you’re confident you’ll get more done and you’ll feel happier.
And with practice you will BE more confident every day. And before you know it, your confidence will be through the roof.
So, here’s what I want you to do:
Step 1: Choose at least one of the techniques I shared and use it TODAY. Even if you’re not struggling with your confidence, use it.
Step 2: Come back here and leave a comment letting us know what happened. Share how it felt!
Once you master your confidence, think about how easy it will be to meet new people. For business and pleasure.
So, use these tips today.
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I found these tips very useful as i always feel very under confident while in interview so searched over internet about this topic and found this article which i think is great to follow so thank you.
Love this, it is exactly what I needed to hear this week. Exude confidence and you will make it. Keep trekking forward with force and not fear.
Excellent points and some great ways of tackling the problem in many people. As you point out changing your attitude, stance, clothes and pushing back boundaries can make a big difference to how you feel. Just a small portion of extra confidence then starts to grown and before you know it you are unstoppable.
Just one small point is in some people this won’t work because their lack of confidence is such a trigger response that it overwhelms them before they even have a chance to follow any rational advice. The response could be described as phobic. We see these kind of clients every day in our practice and usually the problem is triggered by something that happened to them many years ago. They will have almost certainly forgotten the original incident or not connected it with their problem but it will have had a profound impact on the way that they feel.
Generally these incidents are minor in the scheme of things but as they usually happen in childhood it will feel huge to the child who feels panic, fear, embarrassment and lack of control. This is where part of their mind decides that it will do anything to get out of experiencing the same feelings again. So if they were embarrassed in front of the whole class when they were on stage or reading out loud they will do anything to avoid the same thing happening to them again. They will sit at the back of the class and never put their hand up. Avoid talking in front of groups of people and for many this will turn into social anxiety. The anxiety gets ever bigger until they reach adulthood where they are afraid to do anything that puts them in the limelight.
Social anxiety can be helped through therapy such as hypnosis, NLP, psychotherapy and so on where either the original pattern is interrupted and replaced with a more suitable pattern or alternatively the root cause is found and resolved. This can have an instant impact on the way a person feels and stop the fear completely so it is worth considering in more difficult cases.
A lack of confidence robs you of relationships, money and freedom so anything which can encourage people to challenge the fear is to be applauded and worth pursuing
This is fantastic! I think a lot of people are afraid to be “too confident” but this is perfect.
Loved this. Shared and executed it. BTW, Amy Cuddy is amazing. Absolutely amazing.
A lot of my clients have autism. The advice of “Fake it till you make it” often doesn’t work for them–not for long, they say. Does anyone have any suggestions?
Hi Katie.
I have autism.
I struggle with confidence because I do not have the ability to understand social situations.
Therefore, in order to gain confidence, I study social situations. It’s a hell of a lot of work.
And its the only thing that works. Systemising it.
That’s one reason why I came back to this video today to hunt down more confidence tips!
p.s. you can tell your clients that they can be the best, not just historical figures like Einstein, Tesla, Mozart, and Jefferson, but people walking around today have autism and we have incredible focus.
I’ve always disliked the “fake it till you make it.”
It’s a bad conditioning for your own mind. Basically telling yourself you are a fraud.
Another approach you could try is, notice them when they are in their most confident states. Doing something they have absolute confidence in.
Notice their body language. Their speech. Their movements and behaviour.
Do the same thing when they are in an uncomfortable unconfident situation.
Compare the two. confidence can start by simply engaging these confidence actions.
When I first started boxing (and knew nothing) I would watch the seasoned fighters. I would study their footwork, I would copy their stance & let myself FEEL like I was a national champ. I would practice this over & over. I would go to national tournaments with my “seasoned” friends who WERE competing that weekend, and I’d have a ton of people asking me what time my fight was. I hadn’t even had my first fight yet!!! I had been “copying” these awesome fighters so much, that I became so “confident” not just in my ability to perform in the ring, but I carried myself like a true champ outside of the ring. I TOTALLY agree with Derek. I “piggy-backed” on their confidence until I got my own.
My confidence just soared from there. My friends & family play the “what would Mair say/do” game when they go out, so that they feel like they have more confidence/fun!! ha. I think it’s hilarious… but it works for them!
So great message!!! Love & Bruises xx
Some one above commented ‘fake it until you make it’. I think that is good advise to people who find it difficult to be confident. Another thing that I can recommend is to be with people who are confident and people who have strong personalities.
I must be the only person who has not had success using this script. Said it to the cashier and just got a blank look :/
bahahahaha that’s funny. it’s bound to happen.
But if you’re confident – you’ll just laugh at yourself anyway.
Try it again.
I do this:
When the waiter says, “would you like you’re bill?” I reply with, “no thanks, not today”
or
When I have like 2 tiny pieces of food left on my plate (or just the decoration) I ask if I can get a doggy bag!! bahahaha. it always cracks me up, because they think I’m serious at first. Then they laugh.
So, maybe I’m not that funny… LOL… but I am committed to staying confident so I always do crap like this.
Good advice here. I have been using this technique since my Marine Corps days. If you practice – soon you will believe- then you will be.
Nice post Derek, I have seen people struggling with confidence. Although these people have all the qualification and skills to do what they want to do. And I think all that these people need is a little push, a little push from someone telling them that they are not wrong and what they are doing is right.
Body language hacks work. They’re so awesome. I had issues with my confidence for a long time. In highschool I was bullied and I wasn’t that popular. When I got to college I continued that trend. Basically, learning about body language and faking it till I made it changed my life. Derek, I wish I had discovered your stuff 5 years ago when I was a freshman. It would have saved me a lot of time. Keep up the awesome work!
wait it’s not free today? that sounds super douchy. and I would feel like an absolute tool – comfort zone or not.
Whether someone interprets it as douchey or not will come down to the intention you have when saying it, and how you say it. Honestly, so little of what we communicate is from the words you could pretty much say anything with the right tone and body language and not show up as douchey. If it still sounds too douchey for ya, come up with something else to practice with that you’re more comfortable with, but is still uncomfortable.
Wow, You are absolutely right. Body language and tone has a critical amount of effect on the conversation.
Hi, I have a question. I am in a proces of overcoming shyness and building up my self- esteem and self -confidence. I was incredibly shy almost whole my life, let’s say about 9 years. I am 18 now and want to gain confidence because I have no social life and I really want to become more independent. So what I wanted to ask you is: “Am I dong this the right way and will I build core confidence if I keep doing it the same way?” I started about 4 months ago and I think I came really far because I feel far less self-conscious than I did before. But the problem is that one day I do something and start feeling very confident and good about myself and then after day or two I start feeling somehow shy again. But not as shy as I used to be when I started. And then I start to feel confident again. This time I feel even more confident than the last time. But it fades away again. I do my best to try to keep it by keeping myself busy and not thinking about it. Trying to live in the present, but it seems imposible because I start analizing everything again. So how could I keep that confidence every day and improve myself faster?
Angelene,
When learning confidence skills you must understand that in the early stages it can easily come and go. The trick is to know understand one thing I always tell people, the mind follows the body as the body follows the mind.
What that means is pay attention to your own body language when you are feeling confident. Take notes of what you do with your body, your speech, your actions, and your thoughts.
Then do the same thing on days where you are back to being shy once again.
What you’ll notice is that when you’re confident and when you’re shy, your body and mind are doing two different things.
So if you know what you do with your body when you are shy, you are able to switch it to what you do when you are confident. It may feel a little odd and difficult in the beginning but trust me it gets easier. Then when you shift your body from shy to confident, your mind will follow along as well.
For example, if you’re laying on the couch eating chips and watching the news all afternoon, you’ll probably feel very unmotivated.
However, if you stand up and force yourself to put your running shoes on and you go for a run for about 30 minutes to an hour, you’ll come back in a much more motivated mindset.
So take note of your body and your thoughts when you are in either a confident or a shy mode, compare the list and now you have the ability to shift out of such a terrible state of mind and into a much more powerful one!
Hi Angelene, I teach people how to develop their confidence as part of my business.
You will need to immerse your self in social situations. daily, in order to overcome your shyness faster. By social situations I mean anything public where people are.
Go to cafes, restaurants, grocery shopping, any public place and make a direct effort to get into a conversation with EVERYBODY you run into. Chat up the cashiers by showing interest in them and comment on anything you observe in the situation. It doesn’t matter what it is, just start getting used to throwing comments out there. Could be about that persons clothing, or maybe the happy or sad mood they are projecting.
If you are at a cafe throw a comment at the person at the table next to yours. It’s important not to analyze what you say or you will over think it and the moment will be lost, just say what comes to mind right away.
Say good morning to people when you walk down the street in your neighborhood, or hello in the afternoon.
These small efforts will help you overcome shyness and develop sharp social skills when done consistently over time.
Thanks. I’ll give my best to listen to your advice. 🙂
Angelene –
Congratulations on your progress and commitment to growing as a person.
A couple of suggestions – first, don’t forget to focus on and give yourself the credit due for how far you’ve already come.
And second, as much as we want there to be, sometimes there aren’t any short cuts to self-growth. Persistence and practice are powerful forces, but they don’t get us there overnight.
There’s a line from a poem by Rumi that really resonated with me once when I was going through a tough growth time in my life:
“Today, like every other day, we wake up empty and frightened.”
That really nailed it for me – back at that point in my life, all day long I’d work to build myself up. But when I woke up the next morning, it seemed like I had to start all over from scratch.
Practice, persistence, and patience – you’ll get there.
Thank you, this was something I needed. I was a bit unsure if I am doing it the right way, but now you made my doubts go away and brought my hope back . 🙂
Dude, you are magical!
I have been doing this with cashiers and the staff and heck yes, It does build your confidence. So, it is helping me until now.
I think you have got to go out and meet as much people as you can. Talk to them. Discuss and share ideas.
Especially for me in the beginning, as I was reluctant to share and discuss my ideas but now, it has become easy to tackle with different mentality of folks.
Nice shirt Derek 😉
Nice video. I’m still thinking about that research, though, and will have to find that TED talk. You mean that women, no matter their hormonal state, by taking a male power stance, increase their testosterone? Confidence and feeling good are important, but lnking that to social gender roles makes me wonder.
If I was a cashier and someone said that to me I would punch them in the face… Ok maybe i’d suppress it. What the heck, I’ll try it. I usually just mutter under my breath to the cashier doesn’t pick up on my British accent. They always give me funny looks here in sunny Tennessee.
“Just own the room.”
That’s my approach, especially when no one knows you. People are generally uncomfortable in social settings unless other people in their circle are around. So, why no lighten up their mood by being the one who initiates the conversations and small talk? A smile and a small riddle/joke goes a long way.
The cashier bit. I do this all the time, to the extent that most all the cashiers know who I am when I go to places I frequent. Then even tell my son, “you know your Daddy is crazy, right?” And of course, he agrees.
Be genuinely concerning, happy, and approachable. The confidence will set in naturally.
Thanks, Derek.
Me: “Hey, it’s not free today?”
Cashier: “Nothing is free in this world, asshole!”
Supervisor: “Well, what have we here? A freeloader!”
Manager: “Security, you know what to do.”
Security: “I’m gonna kick your ass!”
Me: “Ouch! ugh! ummph! ach! yeowh! …”
LOL!
Dude, this has happened to NO ONE EVER.
Hi Derek, are you on Clarity.fm
Cheers
Christopher
I enjoyed this information. I think it’s right on actually. We literally program our self, why not do it consciously? It’s really ‘enacting’ an inner visualization of what we want to be, which sets up new neural pathways in our brain, literally. I also think having a little support goes a long way. The coach at FTRnation.com is a master of helping people transform them self from self conscious to self confident in addition to accessing authenticity that will never be lost again (and also the author of The Audacity of Success, the title says it all!). I found a lot of ‘self help’ techniques tend to be short lived. Having a mentor keeps us accountable until its a fixed habit. Great share. Thanks!
Hey Derek,
I have practiced what you say and it definitely works. After a while you get used to that feeling of confidence and becomes a very natural expression in your daily life.
Great tips as usual.
Thanks for the post, Derek. Awesome stuff.
Like you, I used to think confidence was just something you were born. You either “had it” or you didn’t… and there wasn’t much room in between.
But I’ve seen a huge improvement over the past year! I’m not quite where I want to be yet, but a combination of faking it till I make it and raising my standards (in every aspect of my life) has had dramatic effects. Lately I’ve found myself charming cashiers without even planning to!
Confidence is definitely a learnable skill. Thanks for the reminder,
Corey
I just shared this video with my 3 children. They will leave my home with self confidence no matter what it takes. I’m a determined mama! Love it. 🙂
One of my favorite aspects of being a digital nomad (and constantly traveling) is that I have the opportunity to reinvent myself all of the time with a new crowd of people.
I love this topic! When you think about the flip side of this, it totally makes sense. Let’s say you’re talking to someone. You ask them a question and they hesitate, and kind of mutter, “I’m not sure.” And then say you turn to another person and start another convo with them. You ask them the exact same question, and they say, “Oh, absolutely.” If those two people were selling the exact same thing, which one would you buy from? The confident one, of course!!
Every time I have pretended to be confident and answered “Absolutely!” even though I didn’t know the answer, and I got to the point where I could enter a relationship with that person, I find that, by the time I have to deliver on that answer, I’ve been able to figure it out (or a way to achieve it).
When you put yourself out there like that, you demand growth of yourself. You demand expansion. When you cower, you diminish – in more ways than 1! Put yourself out there! You’ll figure it out! 🙂
Derek,
So true, I used to be so shy, no one can tell now! To practice I used to have full on conversations with myself as if I were a celebrity and I was being interviewed like Inside the Actors Studio lol I know lame, but hey it worked!
So your tip got me a free sandwich. I’m at JFK headed back
home to Austin and the woman at the register was trying to scan my
sandwich with no luck. After the 3rd time I smiled and said “I
guess that means it’s free.” And she said, yes it does. I still
paid for the chips and drink. 😉 Thanks for the tip and had a great
time at Social Triggers Live. Already implemented the BAB!
I have not used your strategy at this point, but I look forward to trying it out. Great information, thank you.
Oh, and there’s nothing wrong with his shirt folks. The process to make the fabric like that is called “burn-out” and yes, it’s supposed to be like that.
I’ve been chatting it up with cashiers for a couple of years now. My favorite approach is to ask them how they’re doing. The almost always say “Good”. I immediately ask them, “Why?” At that point they either tell me something good about their life which gives us a topic of conversation. Or they admit that they just said it out of habit and nothing is good. Then they usually laugh and the ice is broken.
I LOVED this video almost as much as I loved Amy’s TED talk which I blogged about and it is an absolute must see!!. I also have “Keep Calm and Power Pose” as a screen saver on my phone.
And btw Derek, I like the shirt 🙂
Sound advice as always Mr H.
As a natural introvert and Olympic standard shy person, I have found that I can draw confidence from doing something that scares me.
A few years back, me and my brother played a few songs in front of a packed bar, full of musicians. I myself am an amateur guitar player with only three chords and two scales in my repertoire, so I was a nervous as a plump turkey at Christmas.
Anyways, we got through the set, even with a couple of mistakes and that has given me a point of reference whenever I find myself out of my comfort zone.
Nice shirt, who is your tailor?
Mark
I think you have to find the right balance between confident and overly cocky as a way to not make people dislike you. I am usually on track with feeling out the situation to adjust how much confidence to bring out. I think you can learn with every encounter you have by sensing your mood and others reactions.
Hi Derek, Love your videos, articles and everything else you do. I love your passion and feel you really connect with people. Your are right in that “fake it till you make” approach. Confidence comes from knowing and doing any skill you learn if you think about it. Example remember when you first learned how to ride a bike or drive a car, you were taught what to do and how then you consciously applied the technique aware of everything your doing, but after doing it so many times you don’t even think about what your actually doing in the step by step process. You just do it. I believe it’s the same with confidence. As far as I am concerned I am surprise to find out that so many people fell awkward in social situations. I am probable the opposite. Others I am with tell me sometimes I embarrass them because I will talk to everyone and anyone and I am still not sure why they feel this way. I look at everyone as having something to share and contribute to everyone else. Everyone is here for a reason.
A trick I use when doing anything outside my comfort zone is to imagine I’ve done it hundreds of times. Look at people who give speeches for a living…it’s second nature. So I envisioned doing things as if I had the track record of experience, and guess what? It works. I now love meeting new people, and discovered that public speaking & teaching is one of my favorite things to do.
Thanks for encouraging us to break through self imposed barriers and gain confidence. By the way, I decided to give a genuine smile and “hello” to anyone I passed on the street today. All but one smiled back… 🙂
Faking it until you make it actually applies to all self development needs. Rehearsing a speech or video presentation all require a kind of fake it until you make it approach. Creative Visualisation is another cool technique. Every time I prepared for a gig with my band I would spend a few minutes mentally rehearsing my performance confidence. This is because the subconscious does not know the difference between the present and the future and imagination creates problems as well as solves them:)
Really enjoyed this vid. Love the power of faking it till you make it. Great reminders and perfectly timed. Thanks, Derek.
Great forced smile BTW 🙂
Confidence comes from success. You won’t become adventurous unless you’ve been in an adventure. You won’t climb a mountain unless you did it before. this how our subconscious get programmed by Doing what you fear. Start starting You’ll become motivated.
Love love LOVE it.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some homework to do.
Thanks Derek… You’ve done it again
Yoli
I had to fake myself out to be confident when I first started talking to clients and other people about my business. I had no idea how I was doing until my first client complimented me on my skills. Hurray!
I still have to do this when I talk to clients, but it’s much easier than it used to be.
Great video Derek!
It’s amazing how one’s confidence grows throughout the years. I know mine has. I’m not the same person I was 7-10 years ago thanks to personal development courses, webinars, books, and sticky situations. 😉
Anyone looking for the Amy Cuddy TED Talk, you can find it
at
http://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are.html?utm_source=facebook&source=facebook&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=ios-share
It’s awesome!!
Thank You Julie for looking up Amy Cuddy Ted Talk presentation. You saved me a lot of time
And here is a video about how to practice smiling:
http://www.andyandrews.com/blog/how-to-smile-while-you-talk/
Derek, this is fantastic. I just watched Amy Cuddy’s TED
Talk and was blown away. Thank you for bringing this to our
attention (she does ask people to share it!). Your synopsis of the
talk, and its practical implications are also right on.
Thanks!
I did just say hello to everyone outside when I was in high school, most did respond haha, some gave me a weird look but doesn’t matter 🙂
Where can I find that TED talk you are talking about? Maybe an idea to include links ini the blog to the sources you reffer to in your video’s. It’s easier to find it or isn’t it available on the internet?
Thanks
Here is the talk:
http://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are.html
Great story Derek! You should also add a blog post about
the grit (watch Angela L. Duckworth’s Ted talk about the grit as a
key to success). I think it’s the boost of confidence &
your grit that make you feel ‘unstoppable’;). Also what would be a
catchy phrase to start small talk at a conference/work
meetings?
Awesome! Great strategy on becoming confident. I originally
lived in a small city, even the servers you would know. I love the
big city where you can basically chat to anyone, and just maybe
bump into them again. Great place to practice. BE the change you
want to see. Simple yet, one must push their boundaries.
Hi Derek,
Great advice and it will always work.
In Thailand it’s even expected from you that you always smile, it is part of their culture and it will show in their pictures and paintings too. Even if something bad has happened you still keep in smiling.
With friendly greetings,
Hans
Thanks, Derek. Been there, done that. :-D.
Nice little script. Sure to work most of the time. Actually, I find I can say practically anything cute, light, or humorous to anyone, but if I follow it with a SMILE, we’re on the way to a pleasant relationship.
As a test, nowadays I’ll walk down the street and smile at anyone. They usually wonder what I’m up to, but we often stop to chat for a moment or more.
I had a grumpy cashier today…didn’t go down so well! Fortunately I’ve already turned my dorkiness into confidence so it’s no set-back 🙂 haha Cheers Derek
Intriguing tips, but that line to the cashier is pretty obnoxious… 🙂 If I were a cashier, it’d make me hate the world a little more.
But interesting tips 🙂
Derek,
I just had to tell you I loved your Cheesy smile.
– Melissa
Great Video Derek. I just read a book from 2008 that I’m
sure you’ve seen but it was very valuable to me. How to Make People
Like You in 90 Seconds or Less. I’m not an introvert and can be
funny and engaging, but this book had great tips and how to’s that
really got me on the right path again. I found that many people
weren’t engaging with me for long periods of time and I had limited
people wanted to talk to me a second time, but then I realized that
I was usually complaining about something and not being positive.
This book taught me that a good handshake, first eye contact, and a
positive tone would have people wanting to speak to me again the
next time they saw me. Definitely worth a read.
Fantastic … I used to fake tying my shoes until one day,
I was just doing it like a confident person. ;D
The tips are really working. I’ve personally figured that
technique a way before I watched this video. I pretended to be
confident in the situations when I had nothing to lose. And for
myself, I’ve also designed sort of a slogan “treat life as a game”
. It helps when you are afraid of doing something or getting in
comfortable situation — think it’s just a game and you will not
have bad outcomes. It really really helps a lot.
Great video and timeless tips that mirror the “fake it till you make it” concept but in a good way. Will look for the Amy Cuddy TED talk now.
Keep up the good work!
This video was great.
Completely true too. I had no confidence as a teen and in my early twenties, but started building it up over a period of years. I wanted to meet women so started with online dating, got a lot of dating experience, and then tried chatting with girls in cafes when I was having a coffee. Even that was terrifying but it was the next step before I started doing cold approaches in the street. I used to sweat even if too much attention was placed on me, now I can do public speaking.
The Amy Cuddy video is awesome too. Watched that a week or two ago. It’s exactly what I teach my students. Most guys shrink themselves as soon as they get nervous speaking to a woman, put their hands in their pockets, and slouch a bit. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ks-_Mh1QhMc
Has anyone done the homework yet?
I tried it twice today:
1. Asked for a 10% discount on my coffee
2. Said, “What? it’s not free today?” when I bought my salad for lunch
Both situations ended in a laugh and a great conversation. I expected them to say no and treat me like a weirdo. Instead they laughed, smiled, and opened up as a person.
It’s crazy how testing your assumptions often have way different results than you expect.
Derek, this is a killer assignment and I walked away from each feeling like BOSS!
Everyone who has posted this and not done it: Stop talking about how great this is and get out and do this NOW!
Great video! I definitely believe in the “fake it til we make it” philosophy and how body language can play a major part in that.
For example, when I started out with my business I had no confidence in it. But over time, after taking action I started to become that person and step into the role. Now I can’t wait to share my message with the world!
Another great video, Derek. “Fake it ’til you make it!” Thanks 🙂
When you stop giving a sh!t (withing reason) of what people tbink of you, your confidence soars and you become a much happier person. Confidence comes with that!
Napoleon Hill said the same thing in his book Think And Grow Rich. If you want success and riches act like you are successful and rich. What you think becomes your reality.
This is going to be one of my favorite of your videos to share, Derek. It will help a lot of people, great job! My personal takeaway is not around practicing confidence but smiling. “The act of smiling makes you feel happy.” I love it. So true!
Hey Derek,
This is definitely my favorite article/video of yours, and I’ve read them all! What you said makes total sense. I’ll be passing this advice on to many of my blogger and photo friends.
Some people are just naturally shy, (i was one of them) sometimes you just have to dive into the deep and end go for it, and not to be to vary of what others would think. Believe in yourself and you’ve overcome the first hurdle. Speaking to more and more so called strangers (well initially) defiantly does help you come out your shell.
Thanks for the vid
Derek,
You remind me I watched Amy Cuddy’s TED talk too.
I think I will never forget it again and I can get more confidence through playing as your recommendation.
Thanks for always sharing valuable information!
You’re completely right. It works – and it’s interesting because it shines the light on the other person and gives them a chance to show their confidence (or lack thereof). When we’re bold and step forward with something like “Wait this isn’t free today?”, others may join in and have some fun with you (socially this is a good thing haha) or else you’ll come across as confident and they may be a litte intimidated (still a good place to be socially, as long as you help them feel less intimidated). Either way, great exercise – thanks!
Do you have a link to the TED talk you are referencing?
I looked it up: this is the link: http://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are.html
Totally love this video and post, Derek.
And I 100% believe in the power of “to act is to become.” In fact, once you begin experimenting with, as William James described it, “If you want a quality, act as if you already had it” approach on any number of qualities, you’ll discover a liberating and frightening truth – self-identity is a lot more fluid than most of us realize.
Here’s a variation I discovered myself when my son was in kindergarten and we seemed to always struggle to make it to school on time (he and I have an awesome relationship – except between 7 and 7:30 am, non-holiday, weekday mornings from the end of August through the end of May).
I called it the Enthusiasm Game (“Enthusiasm is like having two right hands” – Elbert Hubbard).
When we were running late (as usual) I would challenge my son so see which one of us could act the most excited.
What an epiphany – you CANNOT be enthusiastic and stressed out at the same time.
Great video!!! Fake it til you make it works great with weight loss too 🙂
Derek,
I watched Amy Cuddy’s TED talk and liked it so much, I posted it on my blog as well. Thank you for bringing a reference to that and sharing your insights on this topic.
Our body posture and practice acting confident just does the magic for us. Enjoyed your talk as usual.
Regards,
Kumar
Sometimes I shake and sweat before faking my confidence-
but I do fake it. And I feel so proud after that 😀
Hi Derek, fantastic video, I really enjoyed it. Could you
tell us the name of the TED video you talk about? I haven’t seen it
and I would like to. Thanks and best regards! 😉
I also want to see the TED Video you mentioned. You said it was awesome…
Please email me the name of the TED video, or answer this comment.
This so works! When my daughter was younger (like 3-4) she would get whiny (you know like little girls are wont to do) So I would tell her to smile, and stand there and wait for her to smile – she would grimace, eventually it would turn into a smile and the whining would stop. She was homeschooled for several years and unlike the stereotypical homeschooler, she is known as the random greeter – she randomly goes up to people while we are out and strikes up a conversation.
This video couldn’t have come at a better time. Thanks. I watched it twice.
I have totally used that line before, and it is fun! You know, my confidence changes a lot from day to day. There are days I feel like I could take on the world. Other days I just want to shrink into a ball and hide. It’s on those days scripts like these become ever more important – they can help shake a person out of their lack of confidence, and brighten their mood at the same time.
Okay Derek, I’m rarin’ to go now!
Right On!
I’m currently retired after a long career as a company president and consultant. I did a variation on what you are teaching.
I was so scared of people and I had such low self-esteem that when I was younger (as in late teen & college), I actually remember taking every opportunity I had to cross the street to avoid walking past good-looking women or obviously dominate males. I had no idea how to talk in a normal conversation and constantly messed up. I was literally a serial social train wreck waiting for for next wreck to happen.
I beat it by refusing to give in to my fears and forcing myself to actually interact with people and I found out that I wasn’t such a bad guy and that if I watched what I said, people actually seemed to like me.
Good lesson… Listen to him folks… He giving you great advice that actually works.
He changed. I changed. And, you can too!
Best regards,
Al
Great tips, Derek, I’ll have to try this out. I have very
little confidence & I’m shy and I know it holds me back. I
am trying to start a social media consulting business on the side,
and I know I need to get more confident if I’m going to succeed. I
have tried faking it in the past & it does work, I think
it’s just hard to maintain that confidence, in your own head, when
you’re NOT in social situations. For example, I went to a large
conference earlier this year (SMMW13) and I didn’t “allow” myself
to be shy. I talked to a lot of people and had a great time! I felt
energized by the whole experience. I find I can kinda fake
confidence in those situations but when I am living day-to-day life
I tend to beat myself up in my head. (Internal dialogue: I’m never
going to get clients and get this business going. I’m not a
business person & in over my head – I should stick to
working for someone else, etc etc.) Do you have any tips for
beating down those negative thoughts in my head?? I think part of
the problem is that I am a practical person & like to be
well-prepared. And I hate to fail. 😉 I know I’m great as a social
media marketer, but I’m not salesy & don’t know how to run
a biz so I lack confidence in putting myself out there. I’m scared
to start without some sort of business mentor helping me work out
the details – I just don’t know how to find one! Thanks for any
advice!
I tried this strategy years ago, and it works!
I think everyone has an intrinsic reason to be confident, because we all have something incredible to offer. But because we’re so used to feeling “unworthy” or telling ourselves lies about whether we have a meaningful reason for living, we need to practice and get the necessary feedback to discover how much we really have to offer.
I wouldn’t say that’s “faking it” so much as practicing the moves that free your potential, just like one would do with a martial art or dance, so when it’s time to act under pressure your first response is trained and practiced … and confident. But then, saying I was faking it always made me feel fake. I knew I was practicing confidence, and this meant personal growth and development of who I actually am, so that’s what I told myself.
What a mature response!! I totally agree.
Great video Derek! You gotta throw yourself into situations
that provide no other option then to be confident.
There is a wine called “Swagger” (it’s really good wine by the way if you like cabs) & (I know it sounds crazy) but just drinking it makes me feel more confident. 😀
I don’t need more confidence, but I always thought that was kinda funny.
Haha there’s gonna be so many people walking around saying
that line today, I bet the cashiers are gonna be all confused.
Great tip! I’m going to do it today! 🙂 I’ll report back
That shirt is extraordinarily distracting. I can’t tell
whether it’s such a loose knit that it’s see-through, or a
variegated thread with the lighter color matching your skin tone.
Since I know you spend a buttload of money on clothes, the effect
is obviously deliberate, but for me it’s just too close to the Old
Navy cutting-costs-by-drastically-reduced-thread-count look. I keep
replaying the video trying to figure out whether a shirt in a
solid, undifferentiated black would come across as dorky and blah,
or whether I’m just being overly sensitive, perhaps prudish in a
pre-gen-Y mode.
I had that same thought. Wanted to focus on the content, couldn’t stop looking at the shirt to figure out if it was see-through. Wanted to stop rolling and hand Derek a different shirt!
Fake it until you make it.
I grew up painfully shy and introverted with no confidence whatsoever. It’s something I’ve always struggled even up to my mid 30s. I’ve struggled with it in careers and relationships. That’s where I’ve had the most struggles. This video is great and is one I wish I watched over 10 years ago. I’ve gotten better as I grew older but I do love the simple strategies you presented in the video. Thanks Derek
To funny, that is just what I did.I know talk to random strangers with no problems.I have always told my kids the same, fake to be cool or confident.
Thank you for all your helpful clips.
Here’s an alternative from a book called “happy for no reason”. When you go up to the cashier find something about them that you like and complement them on it. I complemented a girl on her eyeliner skills, her make-up really did look great. She was so happy I noticed that detail, and it made me feel happier too.
Thanks Derek, love the clip. Looking forward to sharing it with my colleagues and friends.
I love this, and I can attest that it does work. I’m not super-confident-man, but I’m a lot better than I was. I periodically follow this pattern at a gas station or if something doesn’t ring up right away at a store. For example, I went to the gas station on Tuesday and got two donuts and a Dr. Pepper (like there’s any other kind of drink). When I went to pay, she asked what I had in the bag and I said that I had two free donuts. There was laughter, but I still had to pay for the donuts (I’m sure it’ll work one of these times).
Great line, Joshua! I had an awesome and crazy English
teacher way back in high school who, when he went to the grocery
store with his wife and she’d start writing a check, would say to
the checker with a completely straight face: “You’re not going to
accept that are you? She just got out of prison for
forgery.”
What funny thing, I´m still laughing jajaja
I’ve found asking ‘whats the best seller’ to cashiers is a great way to start an interesting chat. I’ll now try your line Derek, cheers for the great video.
Oh, looks like I got in second 😀
It’s so true how making a different choice changes everything!
Great Stuff Derek. I have been using that exact same technique only in reverse. You see I am a part time blogger and a full time cashier. My confidence has spiraled upwards because of the conversations I strike up with most of our customers. Many of are Doctors, Lawyers, Politicians and local celebrities.
Love it Derek! Epic. Awesome 🙂
Am I really the first to comment ?
What are the infinite possibilities?!
Yia!
Awesome, I mean this is so obvious but very few people know it and practice it. From my personal experience I can tell that having a right posture can do two things to you.. 1 It will boost you with lot of confidence 2. It will protect your spine.
Another thing one can do is, Just smile at people (strangers) you pass anywhere, everywhere and surprisingly you’ll start feeling amazing about yourself and much more confident and it makes you feel more connected with your surrounding.
Thanks for sharing this Derek..
I´ll practice what you say, about smiling strangers. We´ll see how it works…
This works! Over this past year I’ve made it a point to chit chat with cashiers and brighten their day (and in turn brighten my own).
My line has been, “Aww, man! This is the part where you want me to pay, isn’t it? Can’t we just skip this part?” big grins and laughs all around.
Thanks for another awesome video, Derek!
Nice job Lori, and thanks!
One of my friend told me one day when I was lacking confidence and saying I couldn’t do something : “stop saying this and soon you’ll stop thinking this” It works too actually..
I think when you move to another location or attend a new school you also have the perfect opportunity to act more confident. Nobody knows you, so they can’y say that you’re acting strange.
Anyway thanks for the video Derek.
A new place is an opportunity to reinvent yourself!
At first it will feel strange and it will seem strange to other people. And sometimes people who know you will call you on acting different, but over time, they’ll get used to it.
I tried this along with working with some inner issues, and it does work.
That’s so true! I think this would be a perfect opportunity to start practicing confidence.
That’s just a mental block. I don’t know if this is something you struggle with your self, but for someone who is struggling with confidence they will use this type of thinking as an excuse to not get started.
Acting more confident has nothing to do with the people around you, it’s all about what one does as an individual.
I totally disagree. Actually, there´s no way to be more confident when everybody knows you, because they´ll always say you´re acting strange.
There´s also, some bad people that always teases you, that even when you´re near them, you feel bad and with zero confidence.
So there´s always a little trauma in that situations, that can´t be overcomed if you don´t change your environment.
I say this based on my own experiences.
Jose, confidence comes from within, not from outside. When you begin to take control of your mind and get past the social conditioning you realize that you are a being capable of loving and receiving love. Taking the first steps takes courage but is well worth it. Once you start working towards a happier reality, you will attract others that share a happier reality. The “bad” people either feed off your positivity and improve themselves or they no longer are a factor in your reality. When you do come across negative people, you actually feel sympathy for them. That’s when you know who you really are.
This goes back to the idea of having nothing to lose.
These people may not be the best to practice on, for becoming more confident. However, one you’ve faked it long enough to start to really feel confident, they’ll notice too. Then, they’ll start to look at you differently and start to respect you if they hadn’t before.
Take the people that may tease you, for example. Once you’ve started to see how confident people act and emulate them, you can put it right back on the ones who tease you, and make them feel pretty damn small.
That’s so true. It’s much easier in a new place.
I completely agree, a great way to reinvent
yourself.
Good point. But, if you use Derek’s advice and teach yourself to be confident where you live, every day, life will open up more opportunities and be more fun as well. By the way Derek, the link to share the video wasn’t working! Thanks for the great video!
Fake it until you make it… or until it sticks. 🙂