Yes, that’s a serious question.
What’s more persuasive?
This:
“I think the secret to getting what you want hinges on your ability to give people what they want.”
Or this:
“I feel the secret to getting what you want hinges on your ability to give people what they want.”
You may think (or feel) worrying about the difference between “think” and “feel” is pointless, but the truth is…
…one IS more persuasive than the other, and when you know why—and WHEN—you can take full advantage of it.
How Changing One Word Ups Your Persuasion Game
Writing a blog post? Giving a presentation? Talking to your significant other?
Knowing whether you should use “I think” or “I feel” can give you that little persuasive boost you’ve needed—and WANTED.
Now that you’ve watched this video, I’d like you to take a second and think back to some conversations you’ve had in the past.
Did you notice how you use “I think” or “I feel” ALL OF THE TIME?
But my question to you is this: do you believe you’ll be more conscious about whether you use think or feel going forward? Leave a comment and let me know.
Also, do you know someone who will find this research just as interesting as you?
Take a second and share it with them. I create these videos for you, and I don’t charge a penny for them. All I ask in return is for you to share ‘em up. So do it 
.
- Mayer ND, Tormala ZL. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. Vol. 36, No. 4 (April 2010), pp. 443-454. Original source.
{ 209 comments… read them below or add one }
Brilliant information as always, Derek. Considering that most of my audience is female, this is very useful. Thanks!
It’s interesting, to say the least. In the end, saying think or feel, as my friend Jeff Goins pointed out in a tweet to me, is a weak way of conveying your opinion. You should just state it… without the qualifiers… but that isn’t really feasible for most people when they’re speaking to people who expect some form of social nicety, heh.
I came on to post a comment much like Jeff’s.
I can’t think of many instances when I would use “I think…” or “I know…” … I am a bit more matter of fact with my statements, like Jeff.
That said, the overarching principle of considering the words you use with your audience is extremely important, even if these specific phrases are not ones I found myself using.
Great content Derek!
Not only is it a form of social nicety, there are times when “I think/I feel” is a better mode of communicating what you want to say rather than leaving the qualifier out completely.
Leaving the qualifier out completely may be beneficial if you are trying to persuade as a statement of fact, but not if you are trying to persuade as or add weight to a personal opinion that you may or may not believe to be fact.
This could apply, e.g., when answering questions at the end of a speech or presentation, when negotiating (as Joe Cassandra pointed out), or in everyday conversation.
“I feel white wine goes best with pizza.”
“I think white wine goes best with pizza.”
“White wine goes best with pizza.”
At least that’s what I think. Er, feel.
I would probably say, “I prefer to have white wine, (rather than red of that is the topic of conversation), with Pizza” Why? Because I’m expressing a personal preference. It’s not a fact, or an opinion or a ‘thought’ or a ‘feeling’ – it’s a personal preference only.
There is no right or wrong drink to have with pizza. We are not dealing with facts with that example. We are not even dealing with an opinion.
Having an opinion means you have views on what is ‘correct’ – which implies there is a right and a wrong answer…and also that you have the ‘correct’ answer!
Saying ‘ I think’ in the question of wine is the same as expressing an opinion. Saying ‘I feel’ in that circumstance is simply pretentious.
You can never express your opinion as a fact, on any subject, unless you want people to ‘think’ (or feel
) you are arrogant or are showing an unpleasant egotistic personality.
…..Good Comments section going here!
I agree that qualifiers weaken a statement appreciably. When writing, I try to avoid them. But if you’re trying to persuade someone, softening the pitch may be a necessary evil.
I agree, it’s a tough balance between communicating your confidence in an opinion while also respecting another’s preference. I’ve found it to be situational – even within my own team – and thus have to make the decision of stating my opinion more as “matter-of-fact” vs. using the Dale Carnegie “If I may make a suggestion…” lead-in. Definitely a fun communication battle – thanks for the insight, Derek!
95% percent women on your webinars…you’ll always have a date on Saturday!
This is great for negotiation as the words are key (ask Ramit) and every tweak to leverage to your side is a plus!
You’re absolutely right Joe. What’s funny is how many people discount this.
This is a great post!! The whole psychology of semantics is fascinating to me. Let’s be objective. If aliens visited the planet to observe the speech patterns of humans, the phrase “I feel that blue lasagna is by far the best.” would embarrass them in its redundancy. “Well of course ‘YOU feel…blue lasagna is the best,” the E.T. scoffs, “doesn’t this go without saying!? Are we such retards that we need a play-by-play narration?” Who could blame an alien for saying that?
Bad habits harden and refuse to budge, meanwhile our brains turn into mushy automatons without our awareness. I fear that I am going to be neurotic tomorrow in conversation. Neurotically economical, that is!!
Just because we left our “Hello, My Name Is” identifiers at the Oracle conference earlier this evening, doesn’t give us a free pass to make everything about US!. “I feel,” “I think,” “I presume,” “I voted.” Me, me, me, me, me, I, I, I, I, I. Anyone bored yet? Are such habits borne of narcissism, slothfulness of speech or as a handy reminder in case anyone forgets who has the floor? Is this an American thing? Don’t answer that. To announce the arrival of one’s sentence with the perfunctory “I think” sounds like an unfortunate identity crisis between a question and a declaration. A “questlaration”, if you will. Questlarations are the tools of the insecure syncophant. Who am I kidding!? I’m so disturbed by the truth of this blog post that if I hear myself slip into this quicksand even once tomorrow, I will have no choice but to ground myself from the New Year’s festivities and read Tolstoy.
Now that you mention it Derek, relying on the same three words to introduce 80% of our musings seems like something only a troglodyte would do. Overstatements reek of insecurity. Same with lying. Isn’t the saying, “more details provided, more likely a lie.”
So when someone says, “I feel that white wine goes well with pizza.” what he is really saying (and I may be going out on a limb here) is. “DOES white wine go well with pizza? I’m unsure whether the utterance leaving my mouth will be socially acceptable, seen as gauche or open me to ridicule….What if you think my stance on white wine and pizza means I was raised in a barn? I had better overcompensate for my insecurity with audacity to mask my apprehension. As a matter of fact, can I have that megaphone over there? Yes, hey wait a minute. Here ye, here ye! let be known far and wide, that I Claudius, the one with the finest palate in all the land, thinks that white wine could not be mated more appropriately than with this pizza. Did everyone hear that?”
Besides William Shakespeare proclaiming that “Brevity is the soul of wit,” most are hip to “the louder the bark, the less of a bite, the more insecure the man.” Most with a quiet confidence don’t feel the need to be on the bully pulpit 24/7, because they have no need to constantly seek the affirmation of an audience. (I) know that by making this point, (you) probably already (think) that (I’m) already a marshmallow, begging for affirmation as (my) prattling on is as unceasing, but (I feel)…strongly, (I might add)…that you would be mistaken as Shakespeare was leading me somewhere…I think.
Bob Dylan immediately comes to mind. The most mysterious, quietly ego-less man to grace the public eye in a long time. Some would attempt to disagree, but the Bard (no offense, Billy) always seems more entertained by the wheels turning in his own head than the contrived noise happening around him. The reason why Dylan wears “cool” like an emblem he has a patent on, is not only due to his mysterious ways of brevity, but his utter lack of need to be understood. He understands himself. Who can spin words & insinuate profundities, all while saying nothing at the same time? Dylan’s cool factor comes from being truly self-possessed. Of course, if anyone were to point out how cool Dylan was to his face he would revolt. There is a reason Dylan refuses to be The Persuader On the Mount. To have influence capable of eliciting such a disproportionate adulation, is to imprison him in a way. Dylan was happy as a noonday clam to walk onto a stage play “Queen Jane Approximately” and walk off. Dylan is indifferent to his powers of persuasion. Still, we manage to project our desires to persuade and influence onto a man who is too self-possessed to need it. One day this celebrity has Messianic status or doing or saying something, and then next day he is the Devil (for doing or saying the same thing. Dylan knows it is not real and it’s a trap. This is why I believe we can’t “do” persuasion. It gives us the illusion we can control other people. While, I don’t think we can persuade a juror to sway one way over the other with a few meticulously chosen words, a commanding presence could. So let’s be honest, one can’t have a commanding presence blithering and blathering all over the place. And besides spoken language is only 7% of communication.
Dylan does not live or die by the sword of public opinion because he knows who is running the show. Can anyone imagine him scuffling into a green room after a show and saying, “I feel the chorus of ‘Like a Rolling Stone’ was like a mating call that would have persuaded ME to visit my hotel room.” If Bob ever said, “I think that our pizza may not kosher, possibly” he would lose all credibility and people wouldn’t even know why.
Anyone who feels the need to soften his pitch (be it a response, a song, or a sale) can’t believe in it very strongly. Is it possible to diminish or soften a pitch and still be in integrity? Are we selling out because we care more about manipulating an outcome, even if it wasn’t entirely real? I understand that selling successfully involves a bit of manipulation and the ability to read and understand people’s psyche, but I have a feeling that exerting much less energy in manufacturing outcomes might yield greater results, by volume and staying power.
I am only thinking aloud and playing Devil’s Advocate here. Up until now, the conventional wisdom has been to persuade others to bend our way, and buy our wares. Let’s say Susie Sassafrass had no intention to buy a grill for Biff Balzac to barbecue his beef upon. But the sales guy started using feminine words, slowly invading her space, talking about how much he loved Twilight and finally wore her down with charm. She may have walked out with the barbecue, but she will soon resent him and not respect him. The guy persuading doesn’t respect himself either. In fact, he feels dirty.
If Bob Dylan spent his life force measuring numbers, nuances and calculations, no one would be happy for more than 10 minutes. Those who are inauthentically influenced by Machiavellian persuasions could not possibly respect themselves — could they? Anyone who is in the business of persuading, with the right closing argument, the right album, the right position on abortion, or the right line at a bar — whether in an obvious or stealthy way — is broadcasting his empty incompleteness. For if he that persuaded were complete, he wouldn’t need you to bend with admiration, respect, or sales. This leads me to my final point.
Anyone who is “trying” to do anything inauthentic will not succeed. The paradox and natural order of the universe, is that as soon as a man sincerely loses his agenda to manipulate those outside of him, the people will be influenced and follow. Unfortunately, the universe cannot be outwitted or tricked.
Now, back to your original question Derek. Will I be more conscious of of excessive use pronouns in first person? Thank you (I think!) doh!
Lessons learned from Derek Halpern sandwiched in between two Bards.
1) You can’t coerce, persuade, cajole, or influence anyone with any lasting & true power unless you truly do not care. Dylan wrote the book. And this cannot be faked.
2) Our generation has become infected with a virus. Maybe it’s the fluoride in the water, but mamby-pamby speech patterns that reek of vanilla insecurity are commonplace: i.e, “I pretty much think our political system today…”, “I totally feel like…..he should have like asked you first. I mean, really!? Who does he think he is!?”, “I know, but I don’t think I am really feeling like want to go very much this year, you know? Because….like I think that sales guy is sooo incorrigible…….know what I mean?” Gee, this is awkward, but no I don’t know what you mean. And let us not forget the crown jewel of our generation, who could have diminished, even Claudius to tears, with the substance and clarity of his verse. For never before has the planet ever known such grand elocution at a podium! What am I saying!? Never before has even our silken Galaxy with its creamy, Milky Way of goodness, bestowed upon us a more perfect countenance to lead the most articulate generation ever to The Promised Land of Manna & Twitter. ………Like, EV-ER!
“That’s — that’s a bunch — so — so let me tick these off. Deh… Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, um, uh. So the issue is not a perception that, uh… Weh, weh, let me put it this way.”
At least he didn’t say “I think” or “I feel.” Genius!
Dylan puts into a few words and music, everything that I can not.
When I first heard him in 1963 as a young teenager, I could not believe my ears. I didn’t know whether to laugh, cry, cheer, or leave home. I did all four and have never looked back.
Well said Jula – and that’s the longest comment I’ve ever bothered to read through. Also the best ever.
Carolm —
And everything that you put into words & music, he cannot! So Shazaam!
Title: “I didn’t know whether to laugh, cry, cheer, or leave home.
Subtitle: I did all four and have never looked back.”
I think you should take that quote from your post above, make it into an abbreviated title of a coffee table book, fill it with airbrushed pictures of Bobby and yourself in compromising positions and sell it! hahaha
Well, thank you for reading. I’m shocked even ONE person did. LOL. Yes, the post was v long and meandering. Derek inspired me, and then I got distracted by Bob. What can I say?
It’s nice of everyone to tolerate (or at least pretend to tolerate or ignore) that in the midst of everyone’s conversation. I was feeling especially passionate that night.
Wow, this changes everything! haha. I deal mostly with women, but I’m a thinker – so I’ll have to test this ‘feeling’ message
I bet you just made me some money! Thank you!
Best,
Rachel
Small little insights… and potential for big results.
Stop trying to be so serious. You know you want to laugh at the circus.
I think that shirt looks really good on you Derek. I do plan on using ‘think’ more often now, since the majority of my client’s are male.
Trunk club is for men, after all!
I absolutely relate better with “I feel” when I’m reading or listening to other people. And I can see how it would be different for men, having worked in the male dominated fields that I have for so long.
P.S. Love your T-rex arms.
Those T-Rex arms should be an animated gif.
Yes, they should:
http://xyzlink.com/screenshots/halpern-t-rex-arms.gif
http://dl.dropbox.com/u/2343659/trexarms.gif
I think you were persuasive now, but I will feel your persuasion later! LOL
Good content – I think I can use this where I know my audience. When I’m often dealing with a mixed audience I like to “think” about framing things in terms of head and heart. Too many times I’ve seen presentations miss the mark because they used, or over used, just one approach.
Thanks Derek! This is yet another simple actionable that you’ve given us all to enable us to connect effectively with our audiences!
I have thought about this a bunch of times. I always use feel, because of the line of work I am in- Wholistic Massage Therapy. Good VID!!!!
My blog audience is mostly male, but the private lessons I offer usually usually for female customers. This will definitely help for both aspects of my business.
- Writing with I Think (blogging)
- Speaking with I Feel (in person lessons)
Fascinating and useful stuff, Derek. Thanks!
And the bloopers at the end were fun
I was first leaning toward “I feel” as being more persuasive. Then I watched the video and just had to laugh.
More emotional? Yup
Woman? Yup
And my followers are predominantly women.
I’m completely convinced!
I’m very glad I stopped by! Great video!
Great video, Derek! This gives me the idea to state the main points of my blog posts in both an ‘I feel’ and ‘I think’ format within the same post to impact as many of my readers as I can with my message. Sharing this great info. Thanks!
YES! I’ve used this for years, not only to convey my ideas but also in asking for feedback (as in “what do you think/how do you feel about…”). While I agree it’s mostly male/female based, I’ve found it’s really effective when you can read a male or female as being the opposite (i.e. a male who’s more intuitive, or a woman who’s more about facts) – you definitely access another level of communication and trust.
Great post!
Derek,
Great stuff on this, and it makes good sense. Do you think there are situations where using NEITHER ‘feel’ or ‘think’ is better? For example, instead of telling the audience ‘I think you should do A’ or ‘I feel you should do A’ – go with ‘You should do A’. I had an English teacher a long time ago who taught us ‘using I THINK is redundant, and it weakens the message. So just say whatever it is, and leave that out.’ Now her lesson was from a proper-English perspective (or was it??), but maybe this approach has some merit in a social trigger setting. Your take on this would interest me. Thanks for all you’re doing, and have a great day.
You are absolutely right Shannon. You do need to axe the qualifiers for the most powerful phrase.
She’s right from an English language perspective, but like most of the stuff you learn in English class, when it comes to real world context everything can change.
Using modifiers works when you’re making an appeal to someone and you’re asking them to come with you on a journey to arrive at your conclusion.
When you’re positioning yourself as less of a guide and more as a director, drop the modifiers and speak from a position of power.
My two cents, anyway.
From an academic training, I drop the modifiers most of the time. I have previously presented as many facets of a debate as posseble. Lately, I have been forced to take a position presenting my thought and reasons.
I have a psychology background. The scientific study is fascinating. So is the observation about gender differences. It makes perfect sense.
Thank you for the application to different audiences. I will be using this information in my writing.
It makes me want to try/experiment other words too besides ‘thinking’ and ‘feeling’. It’s really Neuro Linguistic Programing – just done without face to face interaction.
Love these posts
Glad you dig ‘em Jeremy.
And I’m in the same boat.
I’d like to know the difference between all types of words. I’m betting “The secret to getting what you want hinges on your ability to give people what they want.” is better without the think or the feel though.
I’m automatically more likely to use ‘think’ with men than women, though that might be to prevent men assuming that I’m emotion-led (since I’m a woman). I use a mixture of ‘think’ and ‘feel’ with women, but yes, I’m likely to be more conscious of it in future – thanks Derek!
You’re welcome Janey.
I automatically assumed it was “I feel” but.. you guessed it.. I’m a woman.
Talking the talk of your core audience is crucial for connections. Once again, great info Derek.
darlene
p.s. I also noticed, women use happy faces MUCH more than men.
Although all words are made the same, some words have more power than others.
Using the information in your video, I’ll be definitely trying it out on my design clients. It probably could be used when I’m in conflicting opinions with clients about the design, hopefully these magic words will give me the power to persuade and win lol.
I can feel this is a great advise but I am not a woman that’s why I think I will share it
Great Info Derek,
I’ve been following Simon Sinek lately. I really like His whole Golden Circle idea. I really like His example of Martin Luther King’s speech “I Have A Dream” not “I Have A Plan”. It seems to me (and I am really just starting to test this) people tend to buy or agree with you on a more emotional level. Then they will justify their actions with the logical information you provide. It’s the whole “features vs benefits” thing. Features being more emotional based and benefits being more logical based. What I am thinking ( see you just found out what kind of person I am) is trying to use the emotional based feeling message when speaking about benefits and the logical based thinking message when speaking about features. You certainly gave me a whole new direction to test now. Thanks for the great work.
I am a tender woman… It looks I should like “I have a dream” more than “I have a plan” because of emotional level of the word “dream”. Right? Not for me. I really don’t like the “dream” phrase, and I like the “plan” phrase much more. Why? Because the word “dream” has a meaning of passivity, non-action, sleepiness, laziness, procrastination… We all have tons of dreams that are just dreams without any chance to become a reality.
And the word “plan” has a meaning of activity, readiness to work, energy, willingness to achieve results and so on. The word “plan” energizes me much, much more than the cozy, almost lethargic “dream”. So, I think AND feel that any word means different things for different people. Does it make any sense to you?
I thoroughly enjoy Neuro Linguistic Programing, it’s amazing how a few choice words can dramatically influence the way people perceive you or the work you do.
Great topic once again!
Derek, great tip. I am forwarding on to all my strategic partners. Can’t tell you how big a deal it is to share these tips with others!
Mike J
ps. friends call me “amazing mike”.
Thanks so much for this distinction, Derek. If you are catering to both male & female, should you use both equally?
Great stuff Derek – as typical, the answer doesn’t end up being either/or of the 2 options presented…
When I saw your subject line, I immediately thought of a piece in 4HWW where Ferriss says to use “I feel” in certain tense conversations/situations because people cant argue with another persons feelings (they just ARE)
GREAT info as always Derek- and you do make me laugh!
Really good information. Made me reflect on a linguistic technique I’ve used for years. When working with clients I usually use the “feeling” word when asking about problems or challenges they are having, and the “thinking” word when we are working on solutions. It causes a reflective response when considering problems which goes beyond facts and then when dealing with possible solutions asking them to think encourages new ideas and openness to change. Works for the same for men and women – though women seem to be confident about what causes problems.
I’m so going to use this in conversations with my ex husband. Muhahaha
Yes! When talking to my (male)partner, I had to switch from “How do you feel about this?” to “What do you think?” because he had no idea what I was talking about when I used the word “feel.” It is actually very helpful in communication. Good luck!
Perfect timing! Just about to compose an email to PTA/PTO leaders so I will be using “I feel”. Thanks for always backing your ideas up with real data!
Clarity! Use ‘feel’ when appealing to my mostly female audience, but ‘think’ in my FAQs for the spouse (usually male) who has to approve the purchase. Always beneficial, Derek. Keep ‘em coming!
I feel you’re putting me on, but I think you’re right.
Thanks for sharing!!
In the MBTI (Myers Briggs Type Indicator, a personality assessment tool) the “Feeling” and “Thinking” category is the only one of the four categories that is gender biased. Women are typically feelers and men thinkers. I want to emphasize, though, that this does not mean women do not think and men don’t feel. Women tend to trust their gut instincts more and exhibit empathy, so “feel” works best for them.
As an aside, Jonathan Fields once posted his Myers Briggs type online. He’s an INFJ (so am I). Although he is an “F” or “feeler” he clearly knows how to think critically. I wonder what word (think or feel) would persuade him and people like him … you know, former lawyers turned yoga instructors turned writers …
Anyway, understanding the MBTI can help a person know what types of people tend to lean toward certain vocations, and this might help people choose the best option (thinking versus feeling). For instance, software engineers are often INTPs/INTJs/ENTPs/ENTJs – mostly “Ts” and I know they prefer the word think. Counselors, on the other hand, are often “INFJs/ENFJs/ESFJs/ISFJs” and feeling is their specialty.
I highly recommend the book “Please Understand Me” to anyone who would like to explore the MBTI. It’s purpose is to help people communicate with one another better. It definitely helps in copywriting.
I would say that in the scientific community there is no scientific proof that the MBTI (Myers Briggs Type Indicator, a personality assessment tool) is valid. Since it is based on forced test questions your score can change each time you take the test. The other issue with personality is that we all are both thinkers and feelers. We have a preference for one or the other, but people are both. Each time I take the test I fluctuate and mostly am balanced, which is a good thing for personality. If you are zero’d out on these scores then it brings balance. The other issue is that if you dont understand your personality this score will push you into a type. The bad part is that you will psychologically think you are this score and start pigeon holing others into a psychological type. This is a bad thing since people are far more dynamic and changeable. What many people do not know is that the personality tests was designed by a mother and daughter to place women in the work place during WWII since so many men were in Europe at war. It was a way to force a carrier path. So, using this tool for a career path is good, but to use it for determining a personality is a stretch. Same goes for the Big 5, enneagram, or what have you. The same would hold true for astrology in that you cant assume someone is a type based on a sign. Even if there is slight statistical data supporting, people have access to all scopes of personality and should develope the weaker sides for a better balanced out look on reality including the use of the world feel and think. Really using feel and think should be with in the context of the situation as well.
I did want to add:
“Women tend to trust their gut instincts more and exhibit empathy, so “feel” works best for them.” is actually a function of Intuition and Feeling, so this would be a NF combination and not SF. So, the NF person would be more theoretical using gut instinct that is more or less a priori. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_priori_and_a_posteriori The SF person would learn through their senses and understand feelings better like an artist.
I would like to see the tests that were run to see if there are any outliers.
You certainly don’t need to like it or use it, Shawn, but as a counselor and teacher I find it to be an invaluable tool and quite accurate for most, but certainly not all, people.
Hi Shawn, these tests obviously make more sense if you take them with a professional, not the online versions.
I know they are not considered as science but I find them a good tool to know yourself and as you said trying to get better in your weak points.
I studied Cognitive and Behavioral Psychology for my undergrad at the University of Maine in 1999-2003. Focused on Statistics in Psychology and testing. Also, I obtained degrees in Business Admin Accounting and Computer information Systems. I haven taken Myers and Briggs tests with professionals and online many times over the last 10 years. I even took this at the University with “Professional”. We talked for a long time and in the end told me only I know me. I know what I score, but I can change it day by day. The study of personality was a passion of mine for a long time. I have since taken the tests several times, but noticed that since they are forced questions I could make different choices depending on my mood and new preferences. I have done this off and on for over ten years. I have talked with lots of other professionals in psychology that agree they are not scientific and not valid in the community, but I concur they are a great toosl to find a job skill area. Amy, the comment that it is accurate for most and not all is challenging, but I get the gist. My only issue is if you tell a young person that they scored introverted then they will always think “I am an introvert” which makes them maybe not realize they are both. They get to pick when to express one over another. It is not black and white. Of course then we are all both Thinkers and Feelers. I am both and everyone is, but these tests are to look at our preferences. I have been involved with studies that take two different groups to test our conservative thoughts when being around noise/distraction. People tend to think more conservatively when there is more distraction and noise. This can alter our choices. I would encourage people to look at all the personality type tests along with additional knowledge. Only reason that I think all this is that I fluctuate each day on my preferences and how tired or distracted I am. Some days I am extroverted and am energized by the world around me, but other days I am reflective and dont want the external energy of the world around me. At