Comments on: What’s more persuasive? “I think…” or “I feel…”?

By: Seth

Seth — Thu, 15 Oct 2015 14:13:20 +0000

Thanks, I have always thought the “I feel” phrase doesnt work for me, that it was just another way of apportioning blame, but this kinda clears it up.

Cheers

By: Daniel Klein

Daniel Klein — Tue, 28 Jan 2014 01:46:34 +0000

A very talented salesman I know shared a technique of his that hinges on using ‘feel’ as opposed to ‘think’ when asking a prospect a question.
For instance:
‘Mr Prospect, which of the two products I have shown you today do you think is bested suited to your needs?’
VS
‘Mr Prospect, which of the two products I have shown you today do you feel is best suited to your needs?’
Asking what they ‘think’ subconsciously makes them rationalize their choice in terms of logic, and may not reveal what they truly prefer or most importantly why.
Asking what they ‘feel’ invites them to share their feelings, their emotions… “Well, I like this feature but I’m not sure about…”
Sales are made on emotions, not logic, so it’s all about the feelings.
I have used this technique often and it usually reveals where your prospect is really at in making a decision.

By: Greg Vinson

Greg Vinson — Fri, 17 Jan 2014 04:21:52 +0000

My problem with the way this issue is framed is that it assumes only the connotations are different, and ignores that the phrases can’t be correctly interchanged; they have different meanings, not just connotations. Our sloppiness with language has confused the heck out of us when we try to zone in on emotions, and actually speak of real ones, rather than putting “I feel” randomly in front of opinions like “white wine goes best…” (BTW, red wine is better with pizza, in case anyone wants my opinion).

I understand that many may consider it nitpicky, but accuracy matters, and inaccuracy can lead to misunderstandings, and even escalating hostilities. Most of the time throwing “I feel” around as often as we commonly do, makes your speech inaccurate while eroding the meaning of true emotional speech, and increasing the general chronic confusion about emotions.

The fact is, truly talking about our emotions (as opposed to just tossing “I feel” in front of opinions) makes us feel vulnerable, which is a big part of the reason, when asked how we feel, we often simply state some thoughts and opinions with the words “I feel” in front of them; much less gutsy.

We often preface thoughts with “I feel” in order to blame someone for a bad feeling, rather than state the actual feeling. “I feel you were mean to me”, is blaming, not an honest emotion (“you were mean..” is not an emotion). An honest statement might be: “I felt sad and hurt (or upset, angry, whatever) after we spoke”. You can “feel hurt”, in response to someone’s actions, without blaming them for “hurting me”; a very important distinction most people never make, which causes all kinds of strife.

I “feel hurt by you” perverts the honest statement “I feel hurt” with the tacked on blaming phrase “by you”. Think how common it is to state feelings as a way to blame people with variations of “done to”, such as “I feel taken advantage of”.

“I felt hurt after we talked” is an honest declaration of emotion, and not an assertion that your emotion makes them wrong, casting you as their victim.

It might seem subtle, but relationships can be transformed by sticking to honest statements, and being clear about the difference between blaming someone, and simply stating an emotion, or fact, or combination; it is often the difference between opening a dialogue that enhances a relationship, and escalating a fight that damages or even ends one.

Opinions stated as “feelings” can be endlessly argued, but the disarming, vulnerable honesty of a true declaration of emotion: “I feel sad” is much more difficult to argue with, and in fact, it would be presumptuous and sound silly to argue with someone’s statement of a real emotion; “no you don’t feel sad” sounds ridiculous.

But “I feel wronged” can be easily argued with: “well you were the one in the wrong”. You can get endless competing “feelings” arguments like “well I feel dumped on”; “well I feel like you totally disrespected me”, “well I feel you effed me over”, ad nauseum.

“Like” after “feel” is a big red flag that you’re about to hear an opinion pretending it’s an emotion: “I feel like you’re not hearing me.”

We “feel” honest emotions like: angry, happy, lonely, upset, excited, sexually aroused, hurt, miserable, elated, strong, etc.

By: Jean

Jean — Thu, 21 Mar 2013 19:39:29 +0000

Agree with the message know your audience but…totally disagree linking “I feel” with women and “I think” with men. I feel makes the message very weak. Yes many women use the “I feel” and that is why they often have less impact and influence in the work place.

That’s what I think!

Jean Caton

By: Saskia Koch

Saskia Koch — Mon, 18 Mar 2013 15:42:34 +0000

Sooo I kind of am glad about this advice. As I am starting/promoting a blog which pretty much talks about passion a.k.a. feelings I am sure I should use the phrase “I feel” more, as this people would be my main audience (people who want to lead a life with passion). Thank you for that!

By: Erik Krause

Erik Krause — Fri, 15 Mar 2013 20:31:32 +0000

Another distinction between “I think” and “I feel” is that you can disagree with my thoughts based on logic and reasoning, but you can’t disagree with my feelings because they’re not bound by logic or reasoning.

Thought provoking question. (pun acknowledged, not intended)

Keep ’em coming, Derek!

By: Brian Koehn

Brian Koehn — Mon, 18 Feb 2013 22:38:11 +0000

This is great info.

If we are looking to capture a large audience of men and women do you recommend using a combination of think and feel?

Also, how do you know whether your audience is thinkers or feelers? I can see the direction I am heading appealing to the thinkers that are in touch with their feelings.

Thanks,
Brian

By: Thia

Thia — Mon, 11 Feb 2013 07:49:36 +0000

Brilliant! Thanks for sharing! I’m trying to build my own business (paper crafting/stamps) and most of my target audience would be female. I feel you have a good point and I think I’m going to be using your suggestion. Or is that, I think you have a good point and I feel I’d do better using your suggestion? ;0)

By: Susan

Susan — Sat, 02 Feb 2013 23:29:05 +0000

This ties in with the 4 styles of learning/communication: (Visual, Auditory, Kinesthetic, and Auditory Digital). It is wise to communicate to all 4 styles in a presentation. Use words like see or appears or notice for Visuals; hear or sounds like for Auditory; feel or sense for Kinesthetics; and think or learn for Auditory Digitals. Furthermore, Visuals appreciate pictures or PowerPoints; Auditories like recordings or spoken messages; Kinesthetics like to experience, move, or do while learning; and Audio Digitals like facts and figures.

By: Andrew Ross Long (@DrewRLong)

Andrew Ross Long (@DrewRLong) — Mon, 28 Jan 2013 23:08:04 +0000

We use this in Coaching: listen carefully to what people say. Then use the same language they use. People will identify themselves as “thinkers” or “feelers” right away, in the first 60 seconds of conversation.

It works great for 1-on-1 interactions.

Thanks for the post Derek!